Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
