apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
