I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
