i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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