When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
