The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
