Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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