if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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