i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
third nipple confirmed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.