3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
