I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
