Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
