fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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