can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
