My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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