why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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