I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
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I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize