well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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