I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
