So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
