you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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