I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
