I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
