I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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