She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We had to coat check the pizza.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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