Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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