if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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