I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
