Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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