Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
