Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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