So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
