I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
