ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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