Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
