I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
