after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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