I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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