haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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