how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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