This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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