Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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