no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?