so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
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I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world