Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot