i need an iv and a liver transplant
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?