im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
