Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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