dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
