It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
