found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
