How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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