it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
whose parrot is this?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
