I wish I could teleport
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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