I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
